Bracketology: Halloween Candy Edition
Ryan Sullivan ’14 and Austin Hughes ’14
Staff Writers
Which candies should move forward?
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Nate Scharich
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Ryan Sullivan ’14 and Austin Hughes ’14
Staff Writers
Which candies should move forward?
Let’s break down the 2013 Halloween Candy bracket:
Shall we begin with the biggest upset in round one?
M+Ms ARE pure American-made milk chocolate with a delicious, multi-colored candy coating. They are the answer to the riddle about why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M+M factory. They were invented for fighting men during WWII. Without you, would there be Eminem? The M+M guys!!! Did you melt in the judges’ hands? Is there a quality control problem? See you next year. Note to your front office: I’d be looking to draft some almonds.
The swift advance of Swedish Fish shows that this has truly become a world tournament. The Candy Association’s commitment to diversity is what made this country great. Can an at-large bid be for Toblerone be far off?
Peeps. Peeps. Awwwww man. We’ll see you in the Easter candy tournament…DOMINATION!!!!
Candy corn with your bold, proud display of orange, yellow and white holiday colors and pure HONEY! You were made for the Halloween candy tournament….so what happened, corn?
Hershey’s kiss, you deserved to lose. You are like eating cocoa powder and butter mixed together, which is gross. Nice uniforms, but you’re not even candy. You’re an ingredient in recipes. You bring nothing to the table but fat calories.
Almond Joy is a soft, fru-fru item which also deserved to lose. Snickers works for the common man. This solid, triple-threat, lunch-pail candy bar should go deep in the tournament. If it comes down to you and the Musketeers, just show off your carmel and peanuts and game over.
Kit Kat, you underachiever. Atomic fireball did not even have to go nuclear in your case. Just divide you and conquer. Hit the weights and focus on your communication and teamwork.
Why was pixie stix invited? Did we invite table sugar and unflavored kool aid too?
Too close to call: Baby Ruth vs. Twix. THAT was a good all around game. But the innovation of the cookie biscuit base and the powerful stix twins or “twix” as they are called by the marketing department, were too much for the 100-year tradition that defined Chicago confectionery delights. Respectfully, you have to admit Ruth is old. Old as candy itself and in a world of constantly changing candy technology, it just may be time to move on.
Twix vs. Butterfinger for a spot in the “sweet” 16: These two should be playing for the championship. Too bad one has to lose. If the Team Finger appears as Snackerz, BBs (which reminds me, what happened to Whoppers this season?) or Crunch, Twix may not be able to answer.
The selection committee showed it’s creativity and genius by extending an invite to carnival and circus favorite cotton candy, which promptly spins past Milky Way. The candy universe is a mystery we are only beginning to understand.
Skittles is looking unstoppable right now. Coming out of the powerful BIG Fruit conference. If they can keep playing all the delicious flavor positions as well as they did in round 1, look out. 400 kilocalories of energy per serving is nothing short of amazing. They have arguably the deepest bench with and experienced tropical and wild berry reserve corps.
It’s not a great year for chocolate in this heavily fruit flavored field. Sour Patch kids over York is a case of knowing your opponent and going after their weaknesses. Peppermint is so 1953 and we’re not at the movie theater candy tournament.
That having been said, can anyone compete with Reese’s? Year in and year out, this candy comes to play. Unless you have a peanut allergy, tune in and see Tootsie Roll get owned. Who wants high-fructose corn syrup in the shape of a dog turd anyway? You see more of them squished on the sidewalk after a parade than you do in kids’ bags.
This tournament has already seen some crazy upsets and there’s sure to be more delicious chaos to come. Americans love their candy, and there’s no bigger confectionery event than Halloween night. This is going to get GOOD! Just make sure you get off the couch and get some exercise. Also, clean up your wrappers. No one likes a litterbug.
My final four: Skittles, Reese’s, Starburst, Jolly Ranchers.
Well it’s over.
Happy Halloween to you and stay off the streets as I have young children whose candy belongs to them. By them I mean us. At my house, I am the government and I take 25% for starters. Good lesson about income confiscation. Might as well learn these things at an early age.
So I had three of four correct in the final four. If this was basketball, I’d be the new swami. If it were politics, I could have lunch with Nate Silver and more than hold up my end of the conversation. Hey Silver: I’d like to buy you a plate of starbursts and pick your brain sometime. You strike me as a three musketeers sort of guy or maybe Kit-Kat, I’m not sure….whatever- your choice.
Now while I cannot disclose my winnings on the advice of my tax attorney/accountant/10 year old son/agent, let’s just say someone will be enjoying plenty of twix for the foreseeable future. Would have had ’em all, but……
TWIX??????!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clearly, this sweet sixteen was the key to the candy big dance this year. SKITTLES’ power outage late in the game…inexplicable. Sometimes things happen for no reason. Hurricanes, fires, mayhem, Ann Arbor, campaign finance opinion columns.
WHAT HAPPENED?
The achilles’ heel of team skittles was finally exposed in all it’s ugliness. I am speaking of green. Green is a fine color when representing, say Michigan State or wads of cash. But in a pack of skittles, green is not good. Green is gross. Green is the ugly stepsister with lime breath. Or is it apple? Or kiwi? Maybe it’s a disgusting chem lab mix of all of them. Who even knows. Note to skittles’ management: think about going pink next October during tournament time. Everyone else does it. No one’s going to question your decision- cancer! Pink lemonade. Cotton candy. I don’t care. Bench green or cut him loose. It’s time.
Twix was this year’s dark horse(s). Swami did not see their final 4 appearance as possible, let alone likely. (see what swami did there with the name?)
Let’s dissect the final where the ACA crowned a new champion: Starburst. Hypothesize a skittle-less world. Close your eyes and eat a yellow starburst. Is it a skittle? No. Did you remove the waxy paper square? Probably not with your eyes closed. But close enough for hand grenades. As previously stated, this was not to be chocolate’s year and even with the stunning come from behind win by Twix, the fruity bursts would not be denied.
There are no moral victories in bare-knuckle all out candy wars. Just cavities and sugar highs. Nothing lasts forever but dental bills. Team Reese’s will have to settle for second this year, knowing that the ebbs and flows of rich, gooey candy under whatever form, can take unexpected turns just like the fortunes of Charlie Bucket in the chocolate factory. Reese’s: you’re chocolate, baby. Hold your head up. Who loves you? Everybody. You’ll be back, and we’ll be there as Americans always are. Because we love candy. And fast cars.
Stay tuned and hey, seriously, watch your sugar intake. Stuff’s poison.